Lately no matter what I try I keep feeling like, “That’s it? This is my life?”
Something inside me wants me to push harder. I’m trying to bring it, but there’s a big part of me that wants me to curl up and wait until those feelings go away so I can get back to watching internet tv on my couch.
I miss my partner. I miss the best friends that have moved away. I have too much downtime and not enough money. I have a lot of feelings.
Here’s what’s been helping a little:
- Eating my feelings. Cooking for myself feels soul nourishing, but I admit that the ice cream for dinner gave me a stomachache.
- Visiting with my mom. Brunch & coffee & a dog walk.
- Spent most of yesterday sitting on a sunny patio finishing my shawl. Today I got to block it which means swishing it in wool wash until the fabric loosens up & opens. Seeing something you made stitch-by-stitch double in size with a little warm water is like magic.
- Gave myself a similar special bath: sea salt, lavender oil, and a bottle of cider (for drinking, not bathing in!)
- New lipstick and mascara.
- Chatting with a dude who is missing me all the way from Zurich. He is the best because he doesn’t let me indulge my sad moods without also pushing me to fix what isn’t working. Thanks babe.
- Couch naps. If I close my eyes I can maybe pretend that the couch is the big spoon & I’m the little spoon.
- Tidying up my front porch with the eventual goal of having a knitting-and-reading nook out there. I bought limey-green patio chairs.
- Roommate hangouts are making my life! It’s great to have people around, even tho the Dexter vs. Buffy marathons we’re having aren’t exactly the sunniest. Having someone you can text to bring you more TV snacks is so rad. Being able to be just a little bit interdependent with my roomie makes me feel secure. Trust-building is a nice thing.
- I got a sweet letter & a zine in the mail! Thinking abt doing a review soon so I won’t say more yet.
- My friend was checking out my rotary cutter & referred to me as a “serious crafter.” That seems to me to be a fantastic compliment & one I take to heart because most folks don’t consider making things to be something you can be serious about.
- Trying to be happy for couples who get to see each other in person. Mostly failing. Trying to redirect my energy toward flirtatious emails. Somewhat succeeding.
- Writing a to-do list every day with a mix of productive & creative goals. Crossing lots of the things off. Sometimes the downtime is stressful because there are too many options about what to do next. Doing what the list tells me (even if I made it) has been working. Writing things like “eat breakfast” and “shower” on the list.
- Listening to my “Big Voices, Big Feelings” mix: