Band girlfriend update: meet me backstage.
I was in h&m recently and they had all these band girlfriend related shirts. One read, “I fancy the lead singer.” Another one said (yep) “Meet me backstage.” I couldn’t roll my eyes hard enough.
I want to find all the young ladies who would buy such a thing & invite them over to live with me for a week. It’s not super glam. Actually, I want to find the assholes who thought those shirts were a good idea & tell them to pull their heads out of their asses long enough to realize that young women have way more going for them than who they date. Those shirts should say “I am the lead singer” or STFU.
Jennifer Davis, Grass, 2011
There is a lot of mythology about being a lady who dates a band dude.
It’s both glamourizing and vilifying & usually simultaneously slut-shaming and infantilizing – and all of it is total garbage, of course. Come over & watch me play fetch with the dog a lot, make dinner for one, find another way to say “wish you were here.” The other day I was getting home after the bars closed & sent a drunk one-liner of an email to Nick, who was just waking up. We had a very hilarious skype conversation & that’s the closest thing there is in my life to an actual date.
I think the reason I write these posts is mostly to demonstrate that being a partner to someone who has a cool job is absolutely no substitute for being cool yourself. And because I have come across this far too often, I want to say right now that I don’t think that means that the girlfriends of male musicians need to also be in bands. There is more to life than music you know (but not much more.)
I’ve been reading through all the band girlfriend posts at Bossy Femme because there’s officially one week to go & the introspective part of me can’t resist the urge to see if my summer so far has turned out how I expected it to. Before Nick left I kept saying, “Four months is one quarter of a year and so much happens in a year.” How true that is.
Tina Hellburg with Idha Lindhag for Elle Interior
Here’s my big truth: I am a little bit sad that my single lady lifestyle is coming to a close.
It has been wonderful to have total control over my time and resources. I decide if I am going out or staying home. I decide what’s for dinner & when it is served. I can immerse myself in my interests with an intense focus. I can stay up very late & get up very early without disturbing anyone. Single ladies got it going on, basically. In fact, I kinda think that the single lady lifestyle should inspire more people.
I was saying to a friend that Nick’s classic-country tastes will be a shock to my witch-hoppy system. I haven’t heard anything with a pedal steel in months & all the music I listen to rhymes “bitch” with “bitch.” Nick and I have a great deal of interests in common and I really miss being able to do “our stuff”, or to have someone around who “gets it” about something that my other friends aren’t into – but this has been a wonderful summer intensive of delving into the things I like that are solely mine.
I know that lots of people fear that they will “lose themselves” in their relationships & if anything this time to be alone feels like an absolute gift. There are an awful lot of people who only know me as “Nick’s girlfriend” & even tho many of those people have become great friends, it’s still been lovely to just be myself. And it’s been even better to spend a huge amount of time with my friends – being able to put my energies towards building support & trust & good times with these people makes my heart lighter.
Over the moon card, Sandi Falconer at DEADWEIGHT
Still: love is pretty rad.
I don’t want anyone to read this post & think that my point is somehow that this relationship isn’t especially important to me. More than anything, I think that the result of all this time apart is a great reinforcement that our relationship is based on this idea that we don’t need each other, but we do choose each other anyway, & that is fundamental to me.
Lots of the things that Nick and I talk about are dreams & plans for the future together and basically that future gets to start up again as soon as he is back & I am really excited to actually do all the things!
And another secret:
Next week is pretty much the pinnacle of band girlfriend perks. I get to spend hours doing some car-talk bonding, and I get to have hotel sex, and I get to see my friends and great bands and friends in bands pretty much for free, and I get to sleep on whatever floor all those pals are staying on, and I get to visit my best friend for a tiny bit of time, and I get to go to the ocean, & I think I get to listen to Nick Ferrio & His Feelings sing a few of the songs that Nick wrote about me when he was away last summer, too.
Band girlfriend lifestyle. Not glamourous. Not (that) slutty. But still pretty okay, sometimes, you know?
YES YES YES. to ALL of this. my boyf is in a band and there’s this weird expectation that it means selling t-shirts at the merch table, never being positively critical of their music, etc. luckily i have never had that problem with my boyf, but it has happened with other members of his band.
Oh do I ever get it about band girlfriend merch table shiz. One day I will write more about the expectations for unpaid labour that come along with this stuff – I like helping out if I choose to but I get super pissed when it’s expected.
maybe it’s because i know the two of you pretty well, and knew both of you before you started dating. or maybe it’s because i know what it’s like to spend four months apart from the person you’re terribly in love with. or maybe it’s because i love the way you write about something so personal in a way that still doesn’t feel invasive… but this totally made me tear up at work!
i feel like not enough young women realize that daydreaming about a relationship with “someone who is cool” isn’t an accomplishment in and of itself – acknowledging that relationships are work and effort, as fun as they are. i wasted so much time as a teenager thinking, subconsciously, that if i were dating (or at least friends) with the cool kids, i would become cool by association… instead of working on my own shit, accomplishing my own cool things. it is so refreshing to see you articulate that in a way that doesn’t feel shaming, but rather encouraging.
moving to a city where everyone knows simon, knows simon is a published writer, and then struggling through unemployment and language barrier bullshit on top of only being known as “simon’s girlfriend” was super painful at times. now i think we’re both at points where we’re as proud of our own accomplishments as we are proud to be associated with one another.
we’re lucky we’re both with misters who really GET that it’s not about them when we’re frustrated about not being recognized for our own accomplishments and lives.
I loved reading this a lot a lot a lot <3
I love discovering that you’re reading my blog! I want to see you in person sometime.
I love this: “More than anything, I think that the result of all this time apart is a great reinforcement that our relationship is based on this idea that we don’t need each other, but we do choose each other anyway, & that is fundamental to me.” I’m getting married in August, and I might quote it in my speech.
also: hotel sex- BEST THING EVER.
Oh wow that means a lot! I’m so touched.
I definitely have (un)holy matrimony on my mind a little bit lately – maybe it is starting to show.