Irresistible Otonabee river sunset

After about a million cold snaps & false starts, spring came to Peterborough.

These grew from dirt in a few days.

Nothin’ matters but this grin.

Blooms & blooms &

Blossoms

Bossy dog.

Blue sky.

Best bud.

Me and Geraldine here have just been goin’ for walks, watching things bloom, playin’ fetch.

Mountains from the plane.

Rainy day under the Space Needle.

I went to Seattle and I fell in love. With the city, with someone new.

With mountain views. With everything in bloom.

Blossoming.

Obsessed with these chartreuse plants. Anyone know what they are?

Capitol Hill feelings.

I got a sunburn this afternoon.

A little rain for all these flowers feels like a fair exchange.

Where do you sign up for the Clit Cult, I’m ready.

They seem to glow from their own light source.

Capitol Hill feelings again.

Mountains everywhere.

Hey Kittens, how are you?

Hi blog. I’ve been thinking about you. I skipped last week. I’m late this week. I know. The good things keep coming, though.

I’m going on vacation.

Starting this Friday, I have nearly three weeks off work. I have never taken this much time off for myself in my working-adult life. I have been working with intense focus to be able to afford this. And through that hard work, some careful budgeting, and some generous assistance, I will be able to just take a break without worrying about how I will afford to eat and pay my bills when I get back.

This will be a new experience for me. I know it’s not the done thing for bloggers to talk about money but seriously, this is huge. Many of y’all have jobs where paid vacation time is part of the deal but this is not my reality. Being able to find the means to do something other than live paycheck to paycheck feels tremendously luxurious.

Twin Peaks illustration by Andrea Kalafas, 2012

Resolved, ready.

While I’m gone I want to feel like absolutely nothing is holding me back. I have been working steadily at getting to a place where I have been working on checking off all the lingering things on my to-do list. I sewed the buttons on my first sweater, for instance, so I should be ready to show it to you, soon. But also, I cleaned out my closets. I returned my library books.

I’ve also been putting myself through some mental training, too – I am not used to extended downtime or relaxing, really, and I knew that the only way  that this time away would not turn into time for worry was to work through some tough stuff that’s been on my mind. Have some honest discussions that I have been putting off. Vacation prep for anxious Virgo perfectionists, hey? What a riot.

Still, I feel like anything could happen next & I will be able to be nimble, generous-hearted, engaging, curious, brave, observant…happy. It takes a lot of preparation for me to be able to be this spontaneous. I have a feeling that this trip will be good for me, will signal profound changes, will provide much-needed perspective. But even if nothing of tremendous magnitude happens, I am ready to enjoy myself. That feels like a huge accomplishment for someone who survived a dreary winter only to enter into what has been a freezing and grey spring, so far. Take that, seasonal affective disorder.

Blue hair, day one.

+++++

• found a replacement for my much-loved & totally worn-out faux-leather jacket
• happy plants on all my windowsills
• working through a new lace knitting project with something like patience
• newest blue hair colour makes me feel like myself but even better
• spent so much time at home with my family last weekend including an abundance of time in the kitchen with my mom
• almost done my first viewing of Twin Peaks
• selling vintage clothes in the spring is delightful; short bright dresses & new denim for everybody
• new EP by The Mouthbreathers is kicking my head in! Sackville can rock.
• lots of time spooning with the fuzziest love of my life, Geraldine
• clearance-priced Mini-Eggs
• roasted vegetables
• new tax-return-season tattoos for everybody
• Sappyfest Earlybird tickets are on sale! Hoping so hard that this is the year that Julia comes with me.
• This is a live stream of some cute kittens just you know chillin’ out and being kittens. I am not going to blog even one more word because I expect that you will want to spend several hours just watching cute kittens. In real time! All the time! Kittens!

New plants & new yarn.

In full:

• Most of the heavy weather has abated so I’m back on my bike, hopefully for good! This thrills me. Yesterday I cycled to the thrift store & when I mapped my route later I realized it was about 10k. Shopping as exercise, whatever.
• Purchased my first bike helmet as an adult because my brain is important, yo. It is black pleather because fashion is important, too – at least because I think I am more likely to wear the thing if it matches my outfits. Promised myself if I stick with this helmet thing for a month I can finally buy a reflective bike helmet bow. Femme bike safety <3

Black pleather bicycling costume.

• I have been discovering that sometimes when I can articulate the things I need they start happening. Like in The Secret! I manifested a snuggle session with a cute dog, is what I am saying. Puppies!
• Made a quick visit to visit Bridget at the Peterborough Fibre Arts Festival before work yesterday. A whole room full of textiles being made and manipulated by creative types. Silkscreening & rug hooking & embroidery & weaving & spinning & lots of knitting & it was a brief and overwhelming experience. I didn’t take photos because it was hella crowded but I hope someone did. Love that this happens in my small city.

Source unknown, but mmm.

In brief:

• Snacks! You know?
• Birthday parties.
• Weekends on instagram are just pictures of dogs.
• Tenderness.
• Alone time that feels good.
• Texting.
• Working on a non-yarn-related fashion project.
• Grins.
• Friends.
• Lists and plans.
• Tender dad music playlists always include “This must be the place.”
• Nesting.
• Livejournal resurgence.
• Thrift scores.
• Yarn.
• Kind customers.
• Spring-scented candles.
• Coffee.

Posters are still up for Maranda and Dave’s Zine Launch & I love seeing them because that was a great day.

Jason Molina died. Today I just wanna share a big mug of tea & a hug with the people who that matters to. Everyone has their song that particularly speaks to them but mine is Songs: Ohia – “Didn’t it Rain” from Didn’t it Rain.

no matter how dark the storm gets overhead

they say someone’s watching from the calm at the edge

what about us when we’re down here in it
we gotta watch our own backs
…
if they think you got it they’re going to beat it out of you
through work and debt whatever all else there is

you got to watch your own back
try to see the light of goodness burning down the track
through the blinding rain through the swaying wires
if i see you struggle i will not turn my back

Who can we be without the people who surround us. Thank you to my people. & oh, I am feeling ever grateful to have these songs, and sad that there can’t be more.

This has been a week of continuance & acceptance: no, springtime weather does not begin in March, in Ontario. At this point it’s just knowing that the weather forecast says snow, again, and deciding how to thrive in it.

The days feel well-spent.

• I finished knitting my first sweater & am waiting for the buttons to come in the mail. Can’t wait to wear it everywhere! Sweater knitting is one of my long, long, long term goals & once again I found myself wondering, “If I can do this, what else can I do?” 
• Drinking a lot of tea. The kind with the glittery sugar, sent to me by a friend. Green tea with brown rice. A homemade hot toddy.
• I hosted my very first Quiet Party yesterday & hosted a delightful crew of knitters and letter-writers through the afternoon and early evening. It always feels good to have great people hangin’ out at home. I have so many talented & creative friends. So glad that Amber and Maranda have started popularizing this concept.
• Somehow I have been waking up even earlier with the time change & all of a sudden I am having these bright, productive mornings.
• Yesterday I baked cookies. I don’t even remember the last time I did something like that. Simple! Delicious. Handmade. Filled with espresso & coffee obvs.

• New Shotgun Jimmie album is so good and it is streaming on Exclaim! right now & it’s Jimmie’s birthday so yeah.
• This morning in the mail I received a pair of boots that my mom had taken home, had repaired, & shipped back to me. Like wearing a new pair of shoes that you have already worked in! Thanks mom.
• Some friends started a new band and that band is amazing. When they have a place on the internet I’ll link y’all. Also saw The Highest Order & they were amazing, too. You can stream that Highest Order record for one more day, get on it.
• Working away on projects that have been on my mind for so long. So many craft supplies on their way to me! This cold weather feels like an enforced knitting residency, or as Tanya Davis would tell you, “If you have an art that needs a practice, don’t neglect it.”
• Intense budgeting helps my brain relax.
• At least snow is pretty when you watch it through the window.

Self-portrait from my bike this morning.

One more hour of light.

I’ve been counting down to this day for weeks. I always consider the fall time change to be the beginning of Seasonal Affective Disorder season, so now we must be nearing the end. The thought that better mental health & the promise of patio knitting weather tends to coincide doesn’t surprise me even for an instant.

Ili Jean en pointe! Photo by Della

The first spring bike ride.

I was definitely biking everywhere thru the beginning of December this year but even so, I was getting to miss it too much. The city has been clearing away the snow banks from the sides of the road & this morning’s temperature was above zero, so today I got up extra early, biked to the coffee shop, bought a cappuccino, biked around along the river for awhile, and then went to work.

I feel like my best friend is back! There is absolutely nothing like cycling.

Tom Feiler for The Knit Cafe

& still more:

• I’ve been hearing birds singing lately & it always
• Working on a surprise knitting project for a friend. It’s just a small one but sometimes knitted gifts say things that nothing else can.
• My trip is over a month away but I just bought tickets to see Swan Lake at the Pacific Northwest Ballet. Dance means so much to me but I can’t even remember the last time I went to a proper ballet. My date and I have been chatting a bit about “night at the ballet” outfits which has been really fun. DANCE FASHION forever.
• Spending lots of time at home cooking, reading books, knitting, writing emails, doing my nails.
• Filed my tax return and actually owed money! Fifteen whole dollars. I guess I am a taxpayer now or something. I really love doing my taxes myself, because I am a huge nerd.
• Had a perfect yoga class and then a perfect coffee date & then a perfect knitting date this week. It really doesn’t take much excitement to make me feel good, I guess.
• Standing in the library stacks and feeling a sense of overwhelming possibility for art, growth, and knowledge. (See above.)
• Flirting.
• Have been using blue rinse shampoo on my hair like an old lady & it is turning my bleached hair silver-grey and I am in love.
• Sour watermelon candy.

Take care of yourselves & have fun today, & forever. xox

Rather than trying to control everything in the world lately I’ve just been sitting back & observing. “Hmm,” I think. “I wonder what happens next.” Usually what happens is amazing & by not planning too hard I get to be surprised.

Tiny naps.

Lately it’s like the things I didn’t even know I needed show up right on time.

So ready for:

• This feeling like I can handle what’s coming. Usually the winter leaves me despondent in bed, in the bathtub. This sort of emotional vitality at this time of year is brand new & it feels lush & energetic, even when it’s snowing and snowing and snowing outside…
• The day when I wake up & like black coffee. I’m trying it out as an experiment.
• Springing forward! The time change is less than two weeks away & I am excited for brighter evenings. The spring equinox is not far behind that… amazing.
• An irresistible seat sale meant that I booked a plane ticket for “Spring Break” in Seattle next month. Land of perpetual sweater weather! My vacation planning list includes things like “buy raincoat.” Lots of people I know just got back from somewhere tropical but this feels more like my jam. So many good feelings about this trip.

Queen Anne High School students at football game, Seattle, 1939. Staff Photographer Seattle Post-Intelligencer. Museum of History & Industry Photograph Collection PI25680

• Just discovered vintageseattle.org & you know I am so into it.
• Granny smith apples.
• Ended up at Le Petit Bar twice this week with my favourite people & a cheese board. Cocktails made with herbs, candlelight, hot toddies, did I already mention cheese?
• Working on knitting projects that I have wanted to make for so long but finally have all the skills to actually execute. I figured out how to knit cables which means I am finally making knitted short shorts.
• Picking up a lot of hours at work which means that hopefully I can afford those plane tickets I bought & also… did you know there are designer raincoats? FASHION. Feelin’ thankful that I have jobs that are cool with me knitting & blogging on company time.

Lemolo @ City Arts Fest

About a month ago a friend introduced me to Seattle two piece Lemolo, & I think I have listened to their album, The Kaleidoscope,  every single day since.

It just speaks to me, you guys. I get in these moods where I just need to hear it, the same way I do for artists who I’ve had serious long term relationships with, like Cat Power or Mazzy Star.

Oh it’s wonderful / soak up every word

I’m taking my time / after every line 

I started worrying that maybe I would over-play the record & then ruin it for myself, so I started trying to come up with some other things I could listen to when I was in that same mood, in addition to The Kaleidescope by Lemolo over and over and over and over.

So I made a new playlist. Big drums big feelings. Maybe you would like to hear some of those songs too:

PS: The cover I used for that playlist is from Frances Taylor of My Shetland aka go there right now and look at photos of dogs riding ponies, you’re welcome.

Pink jeans, leopard cardigan, bright red WHO THE FUCK ARE THE DIRTY NIL? concert swag.

I thought I was hungover but it turns out I just hadn’t had any coffee yet. Let’s do this thing.

• I have the day off today and my plan is basically just to make things & also go to the library my life is the best life.
• Wearing a bunch of colour (for me) to combat the fact that somehow, IT IS STILL WINTER. Dudes, I am over it, and I am ready to be on a patio now.
• My sweater is coming along so great. It’s pretty major actually. I am really excited to be turning into a person who can make sweaters.

• My babe Elliott and I went to go see that babe SOLANGE KNOWLES this weekend. Possibly the most stylish audience I’ve seen at a show. Solange was as regal and beautiful and fun and stunning as you could hope for… and she covered Selena. It was killer. I mean just listen to her sing. How is she real?

• Coffee! Coffee! I love you, coffee.
• Makin’ new friends who wanna go with me to rock and roll shows is AWESOME. The fact that they are girl friends for once is also AWESOME. Getting post-show pizza is ESPECIALLY AWESOME. For real tho, I am pretty sure there was gender parity in the crowd for a garage rock show last night, pretty mind blowing. Now if only we could get some gender parity on the stage too. (Is there like a genderqueer etc. – inclusive version of this term? Because there should be.)
• Internet babe bought a round of drinks for me and my ‘ladies of rock and roll’ posse last night. Paypal, aww! INTERNATIONAL TECH-ENABLED KINDNESSES. If that’s not the best good thing I don’t even know what is. The future is here and I like it.
• At the bar they were playing Conan the Barbarian which has GRACE JONES in it & I just wanted to mention GRACE JONES in all caps. GRACE. JONES. 

Golden retriever cuddle jamz

• I missed last Sunday’s post because I was in PUPPY HEAVEN. Geraldine was my Valentine’s Date & that date lasted all weekend long basically and one night I fell asleep holding her paw and we walked all over the city and I told her I loved her over and over and I fed her a billion treats and she is my favourite.

Dog, Ducks.

• Also last weekend was Gretchen’s FOURTH BIRTHDAY PARTY. We blew up some balloons & took some selfies together. I leave you with this epic mirror photo:

STYLE ICONZ

Computer screen self-portraiture.

Today a megacommunications megaconglomerate is sponsoring a campaign where you tweet about your deeply personal mental health issues using their corporate hashtag and they will give some mental health advocacy groups of their choosing five whole cents of their money.

I feel great.

I am pissed when I see the Prime Minister using his own twitter page to promote this campaign to the general public. Because I really think that funding for these programs should be guaranteed by the government to begin with. The environment of scarcity and underfunding that surrounds mental health services is perpetuated by his government. The criminalization of mental health is ongoing under his government.

There should not be a need for individuals who struggle with mental health to advocate for the resources they need to make life bearable, fighting stigma and a lack of access all the while. Watching the leader of this country advocate privatized, corporatized, charity-based solutions to systemic social problems makes me so mad I want to throw down.

Warm winter thoughts & socks & my family surrounded by big trees.

Even so, a bunch of the people I am friends with, on twitter and in person, have stepped the fuck up. They are sharing their very personal stories, at risk of stigmatization, harassment, and deep trauma, for the sake of creating a genuine dialogue. I am humbled by what people attempt just to live their lives authentically, safely, happily. These people I know are brave as fuck. Tough as fuck. Vulnerable and hard and caring and capable as all get out. I hate that it takes a big corporation for them to have the platform they need to speak these truths.

SAD-vival methods: lamp, meds, coffee, yarn, internet buds.

When we think about mental health, I want us to think about the people in our lives that make it bearable, wonderful, possible -

not some cell phone company, I mean shit. I like that this money is going to go to brain research and to lots of little mental health organizations across the country. These things need funding! That funding should never be in question or in jeopardy.

Props are in order:

• To my parents and my friends, who let me tell them my truths without fear.
• To my nurse practitioner who gives me free samples of my meds so that I don’t have to go broke to feel better.
• To my very first counselor, who never questioned the validity of my depression even though I was so worried that I was “not sick enough” to need assistance, treatment, and resources.
• To the co-worker who asked me if there was anything I’d need to get through the winter this year.
• To my co-bloggers at Care of The Self, who add great resources to our mental health tumblr.
• To bloggers like Julia, Claire, Claire again!, Kate, Katie, Arabelle, Natalie, s.e. smith, Kristen, Maranda and Amber, Jessica Luxery and Fleetwood Legay, and many many many more people who write about mental health all the time, not when some damn corporation tells them to do it.

& yeah, I bedazzled my full-spectrum light

because why the fuck not? My manicure matches my full-spectrum light because why the fuck not? This thing makes such a difference in my life that sometimes I call it “my boyfriend” and I am only kind of kidding.

SAD Lamp manicure